Moulin Rouge Meets Titanic
by The Lark
Summary: Another parody. Let's pretend that it was Christian who wrote Titanic...


Moulin Rouge Meets Titanic  
  
Disclaimer: In case you couldn't figure it out, I am not Baz Luhrman or James Cameron. I don't own Titanic, and I don't own Moulin Rouge [Alas, not even Christian] Okay, on with the silly parody…  
  
  
AT THE MOULIN ROUGE:  
  
Christian: Okay, places people. Now, literary genius that I am, I have managed to write a play for us to put on, based on a real-life event that will not occur for another decade or so. Places everybody!  
  
Satine: But Christian, what about Spectacular Spectacular?  
  
Christian: *frowns* Why don't YOU tell her Toulouse? *looks accusingly at the bohemians*  
  
Toulouse: *squirms guiltily* Well, the other bohemians and I were having a party the other night, and…*in one big word* we-kinda-got-wasted-on-absinthe-and-used-the-pages-of-the-script-to-color-pictures-of-the-green-fairy-on  
  
Christian: So this new play was the best I could come up with on short notice.  
  
Satine: *sigh* Well, at least now the thinly disguised metaphor in it won't give away our forbidden relationship.  
  
The Duke: *his head whips up suspiciously* What did you say?  
  
Satine: Nothing, dear duke.  
  
Christian: *snickers behind the Duke's back* Okay, so Satine will have the lead female role, and I will have the lead male role.  
  
The Duke: *glares* I thought that the Argentinean was supposed to be the leading man.  
  
Satine: Why, yes, but he's gone into another narcoleptic fit on us, so the writer will have to take his place.  
  
The Argentinean: Mademoiselle Satine, what are you talking about? I'm not---*Satine sneakily wallops him over the head with a high heeled shoe, and he dizzily flops to the ground* Mademoiselle Satine, must you do that to me in EVERY rehearsal?  
  
Christian: *grins at Satine* Places people!  
  
The Duke: *gets up in Christian's face* I'm watching you like a hawk, Monsieur…Monsieur…*scatches his head* What is your last name, anyway?  
  
Christian: *shrugs* Judging from the many fan fictions I've read, I think it's either James, Claremont, or Everett. *smirks* At least I have a FIRST name, "Duke"!  
  
The Duke: *crying pathetically* I really hate that man  
  
ON A BIG, MODERN RESEARCH BOAT-  
  
Zidler(as the Titanic research guy): *pandering to T.V. cameras* Yes, well, we haven't found the diamond yet, but who needs diamonds when you can have pretty drawings like this one, and-and…*his cheerful façade breaks and he breaks down crying* Oh, I can't even say the words! I WANTED THE DIAMOND! *cries onto shoulder of a nearby research worker*  
  
Chocolat: Hey, boss, we've got some old lady here who says she knows about the diamond.  
  
Zidler: *begins to dance happily* Who-hoo! Everything's going so well!!!!!!  
  
Chocolat: *wheels in an aged Satine* Here she is *to Satine* Why do I always get stuck carrying you?  
  
Satine (As Rose): *Is made up to look old, in a wheelchair wearing a pair of dark glasses and a couple of blacked out teeth.*  
  
Christian: *offstage, gaping in horror at Satine's appearance* Dear Lord, is this what's in store for me in fifty years?  
  
Satine: *angrily hurls her other shoe at him* Christian!  
  
Christian: *trying to wipe the horrified look off his face and failing* I'm sorry, Satine, I know we said "till my dying day," but that was back when you died young…*breaks into a grin* Only kidding!  
  
Satine: *smiles sappily* Awwww, you're so cute when you think you're being funny! C'mere, baby! *jumps out of wheelchair and begins to passionately kiss Christian in the middle of the stage*  
  
The Duke: *stamps his foot like a child in a temper* Zidler! He's kissing my hooker! Make 'im stop!  
  
Zidler: Er, little strawberry, don't be so rude to the Duke. I really would rather not have to dance around with a tablecloth on my head to pacify him again.  
  
Christian: *feigning innocence* We're just rehearsing  
  
Satine: *to Zidler* Oh, shut up, Harold! This is the magical Land of Fanfiction, and in the Land of Fanfiction, I don't have consumption! So you can't boss me around anymore! Hah hah hah!  
  
Marie: Satine, settle down!  
  
Satine: Why should I listen to you?  
  
Marie: Because here in the land of fan fiction, I'm your biological mother!  
  
Satine: *releases the semi-coherent writer, who is now smeared with lipstick* Okay, okay, let's get on with the show.  
  
Zidler: That's MY line!  
  
EVERYONE GETS BACK INTO CHARACTER  
  
Satine: This story is about love. The man I loved is…dead  
  
A mystical voice from out of nowhere: There was a girl, a very strange enchanted girl. They say she wandered very far, very far, over land and sea….  
  
CUT TO THE TITANIC, WAITING TO BEGIN ITS MAIDEN VOYAGE  
  
Satine: *Jumps out of carriage* What's so great about this stupid ship? Sure, it's big, but it would be much nicer if it were covered with diamonds. *nudges the Duke* Hint, hint.  
  
The Duke: *sighs and pulls a very large sack bursting with diamond jewelry out of the carriage* Will this hold you over for a few hours?  
  
Satine: I suppose it will have to do.  
  
A SEEDY ABSINTHE BAR IN THE HARBOR:  
  
Christian (as Jack) and Toulouse (as Fabrizio): *Eye a couple of card sharks over their cards*  
  
Christian: *whispers to Toulouse* Well, we're sunk  
  
Toulouse: That's the stupidest pun I've ever heard.  
  
Christian: *looks weary* We've got bigger problems now. We've bet all our money to get those tickets for the Titanic, and now we've both got a losing hand.   
  
Toulouse: *smiles conspiratorily* Don't worry, Christian. I have a plan. *points over the card sharks' shoulders.* Say, gentlemen, is that the Green Fairy? *grabs all the money, tickets, etc, off the table* Run, Christian!  
  
IN A LUXURIOUS CABIN:  
  
Satine: *unpacks a bunch of paintings*  
  
The Duke (as Cal) : *crinkles his nose distastefully* Who painted these anyway? Some two year old with fingerpaints?  
  
Satine: No. Some guy named Toulouse Lautrec.   
  
The Duke: And you like these silly pictures?  
  
Satine: Of course I like them! The frames are encrusted with diamonds *sigh*  
  
The Duke: *strolls out of room muttering to himself* She may be about as sharp as a doorknob, but at least she's hot.  
  
Satine: *looks insulted* I could make a few complaints of my own, Rodent Man!  
  
Marie (As Rose's greedy mom) : Just shut up and look pretty, dear. *gathers up a bunch of diamonds that the Duke has left lying around*  
  
Satine: *begins to cry* Nobody cares about me! But…*breaks into song*  
  
One day, I'll fly away  
Leave all this to yesterday  
Why live life from dream to dream?  
And dread the day  
When dreaming ends  
  
Christian: *looks puzzled* Darling, this isn't a musical. Why were you singing?  
  
Satine: Sorry. It's an uncontrollable reflex.   
  
The Duke: This is pathetic. Why on earth did I ever waste my money funding this idiotic performance?  
  
Zidler: Uh oh. We're losing him. Do your stuff, sparrow.  
  
Satine: *slinks over to the Duke and falls into his lap with a seductive smile* Please, Dukey? Fund the play. *cuddles the duke close* For me?  
  
The Duke: *giggles inanely* Okay.  
  
Satine: *leaves the Duke and goes back up to the stage, her nose crinkled in disgust, muttering* Now I'm going to have to burn my clothes. *to Christian* Where were we?  
  
Christian: The suicide scene  
  
Satine: Gotcha *works up some tears and runs to the stern of the ship* AGH! Life sucks…*cries*  
  
Nobody loves me  
Everybody hates me  
I'm gonna go eat worms  
  
Christian: Satine, please, stop with the singing! *The worm-eating line sinks in* And remind me not to kiss you for awhile.  
  
Satine: That's not what you said last night, sitar-man  
  
Christian: *blushes* Please, Satine, I'm trying to maintain an image of boyish innocence.  
  
Satine: *climbs onto ship's railing* Goodbye, cruel world….*waits for Christian to come and stop her, looking a bit annoyed* I said, GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!  
  
Christian: *stumbles out onto stage* Sorry, sweeting, here I am. *clears his throat* Don't jump, miss!  
  
Satine: Why not? *weeps VERY loudly* My life sucks!  
  
Christian: Wanna talk about it?  
  
Satine: My fiance's a rodent-faced [bleep] [bleep]!  
  
Everyone: Gapes at Satine  
  
Marie: Satine! That word wasn't in the script!  
  
Satine: Sorry. I was thinking of the Duke at the time  
  
The Duke: *sniffles* That really hurts. Why can't you people see that beneath this selfish, mentally ill façade of mine, there is a sensitive and fragile person?  
  
Everyone in unison: Shut up, Duke  
  
Christian: *back in character* Wanna be my girl instead?  
  
Satine: Huh?  
  
Christian: Gimme a chance!  
  
We should be lovers  
We should be lo-o-overs  
And that's a fact!  
  
*puts a hand over his face* D'oh! Now you've got me doing it!  
  
Satine: You're nuts  
  
Christian: Just hear me out before you turn me down! My name is Jack Dawson, I'm young and pretty and sensitive. Oh, and I'm an artist. And I was an orphan *sticks out his lower lip in hopes that his patheticness will charm her*  
  
Satine: *is reading the script with a skeptical look on her face* "And then, Rose finds him so charming that she immediately swoons into his arms, kisses him, and tells him how gorgeous he is"…*laughs at Christian* You're kidding me, right?  
  
Christian: I'm writing this script, and what I say goes!  
  
Satine: Christian, this is silly.  
  
Christian: *pouts* I just wanted a little attention. *Lifts Satine back over the railing, but doesn't set her down once she is safely inside. Instead, he sweeps her into his arms much like he did at the end of "Your Song"*   
  
The Duke: *innocently rounds a corner* YAH! *yanks them apart* Rose, I demand an explanation!  
  
Satine: Well, you've been so cruel to me lately that I decided to commit suicide, but then this charming stranger came and talked me out of it.  
  
The Duke: Oh. Okay, as long as nothing important happened…*wanders off calmly*  
  
Satine: *glowers after him, mumbling* [beep, beep, beep]  
  
Zidler: Chickpea, stop! You're overloading the censoring machine  
  
Christian: Never mind that rodent. Come with me. I'll teach you how to spit!  
  
Satine: Ew! Christian, if this is your idea of a charming protagonist, it's no wonder you have disguise yourself as someone else to get your work produced.  
  
CUT TO TWO DAYS LATER ON THE DECK  
  
Satine: *gazes admiringly up at Christian: Wow, you're a starving artist? That's sooooo cool….*sigh*   
  
Christian: Well, since you're such a big fan of my work, mind if I draw you before we all die?  
  
Satine: I think you've gone a little overboard on the foreshadowing, hon.  
  
Toulouse: Bad pun alert! Bad pun alert!  
  
Satine: *looks at script, her eyes widening in outrage* What! It says here I have to take off my clothes for the next scene.  
  
Christian: You're a prostitute. I didn't think it would bother you.  
  
Satine: I want to be a real actress like the great Sarah! How am I supposed to do that if my own boyfriend keeps typecasting me?   
  
Christian: Alright, we'll skip over it and go straight to the…no, wait,, the next one is a sex scene. Okay, let's just crash the ship right now.  
  
A BUNCH OF WATER GUSHES INTO THE SHIP  
  
Toulouse: AGH! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! SAVE ME, GREEN FAIRY!  
  
Marie: *still in character, tries to grab a few of the diamonds that are floating on the water*  
  
Warner, the Duke's Manservant: *playing Cal's manservant* Heh heh. Well, I may be doomed to go to a watery grave, but at least I managed to squeeze in one last act of lackey-ism.  
  
CUT TO EMPTY OFFICE WHERE CHRISTIAN IS STRUGGLING WITH SOME HANDCUFFS  
  
Christian: HEEEEEEELLLLLLLP!  
  
Satine: Don't worry: I'll save you! *Lone Ranger music begins to play*   
  
Christian: My hero!  
  
Satine: *grabs a nearby fire ax and swings it at the handcuffs with a loud karate yell* HIIIIIIIIIIYA!  
  
Christian: *screams, holding up one hand that is missing a thumb* AGH! MY THUMB!  
  
Satine: *tries to comfort him* Oh, I'm sorry, Christian!  
  
Christian: *recoils* Never mind-just help me find my thumb!  
  
AFTER CHRISTIAN GETS HIS THUMB SEWN BACK ON  
  
Christian: Okay, let's try this again.  
  
THE STAGE IS NOW FILLED WITH WATER AND A TACKY MINIATURE MODEL OF THE TITANIC  
  
THE CAST JUMPS INTO THE WATER  
  
Christian: *swims over to Satine and finds her some old wooden thing to float on*  
  
Satine: *stutters from the cold* I'm s-s-so c-cold, Jack  
  
Christian: You're cold?! I'm the once who's up to his neck in ice water! *takes her hands* I'm sorry, I shouldn't be snapping like this. I loooooooove you!   
  
Satine: I LOVE YOU TOO!  
  
Christian: Let's sing a song-maybe that'll cheer us up  
  
Old Josephine  
My flying machine-  
  
Satine *cuts him off* I thought you said there wasn't any singing in this?  
  
Christian: *ignores the criticism* You must promise me…n-n-never let g-g-g-g-go  
  
Satine: Let go of what?  
  
Christian: Just say the line  
  
Satine: What's my motivation here?  
  
Christian: *about to explode* Huh?  
  
Satine: *giggles* That's what all the real actresses on TV say. Doesn't it sound artistic?  
  
Christian: Satine, it's the turn of the century. TV won't be on the market for another few decades yet.  
  
The Duke: *from his ill-gotten seat in a nearby lifeboat* And you chose him over me? I wouldn't mind your stupidity if you were mine.  
  
Satine: *stands up, which is easy, since the water on the stage is actually only about eighteen inches deep* That's it! You're gonna get it now! *splashes over to the Duke like a charging bull*  
  
The Duke: *properly terrified* Now, dear, of course I mean stupid in the most flattering-YAH!  
  
Satine: *punches him in the head*  
  
The Duke: *with little birds flying circles around his head* No Mummy, I don't want to go to school today…  
  
Christian: *smiles adoringly* You're so cute when you're mad!  
  
THEY KISS  
  
Satine: You're so cute when you're fawning!  
  
THEY KISS AGAIN  
  
Christian: You're so cute when you…  
  
EVERYONE STARTS TO CLEAR OUT OF THE MOULIN ROUGE, NOT WANTING TO BE SICK 


End file.
